My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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