i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
it's like iHOP with fire
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
