mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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