You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
