I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
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