My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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