ya dads aren't the best wingmen
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
