Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
