I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
