i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
