Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
