you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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