Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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