My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
