So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
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