Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Randomize
