Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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