i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Randomize
