Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
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