Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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