I am puke
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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