Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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