farters have to be the big spoon...
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
