New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
