Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
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