sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
