I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Randomize
