I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
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