Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
