I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
