my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
