i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
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