Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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