Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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