that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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