The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Randomize
