ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
