I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
