Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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