I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
