Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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