I cannot find my penis.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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