Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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