so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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