i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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