Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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