he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
