i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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