Barsexuality is the new black.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
