Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
